Just a little background to our situation, my stepdaughter is 9, I’ve been with her dad 4 years, we got married this August, our arrangement is Wednesdays for tea and every other weekend Friday-Sunday, mum can be very high conflict. Since I have know her she has clearly suffered with separation anxiety about being away from her mum, it wasn’t so bad at first just the occasional tears but during covid it ramped up and mum blamed our house and as a consequence stopped us seeing her. 9 month court battle later our current schedule has been put in place and has happily been working for the last year. However since getting married and mum splitting from long term partner earlier this year things have gotten to an all time low. Every weekend she comes it’s a battle, she cries for hours saying how she hates coming but can’t give us reasons for why other than she misses her mum. But things have taken a turn now with lies being told about myself and my husband about us being unkind and abusive towards her. It’s like she’s willing to say anything now just so she doesn’t have to sleep at our house. I’ve got to the point now where I don’t want her here either as it no longer feels safe for us. I’m not sure how we move forward 😢
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My SD’s went crying to bio mum who came over for a meeting with us to say they weren’t happy at house, one reason was wanting to spend more time with their dad but they spend all their time in their room and couldn’t give any examples of what they want to do with us, most of my suggestions are rejected. I was so upset that they are unhappy when I’ve tried so hard to build a relationship with them. They are also very jealous of my son, they think we put him first and that they don’t have a voice, but again couldnt give any examples. My counsellor says it’s a cry for help and not about me but hard bot to think so. Bio mum made out she wanted to help but then turned against me. I feel she is pandering to the kids and using us as scapegoats to blame for their many problems and unhappiness 😔
My step daughter decided to pick and choose when she came to our house at the age of 11. It was coercive control from her mother. I didn't realise at the time and blamed myself. My partner was heart broken and her bio mum was rubbing her hands together in glee whilst outwardly pretending she couldn't do anything. Now she comes every other weekend but my partner lives in fear she won't come again so no discipline. Stays up to whenever she wants, phone all he time, eats exactly what she wants...she will only come if her mum packs all her own food (I'm really not that bad at cooking!). My partner never got to the bottom of why she wouldn't come. All this and I have to try and actually parent my child. I do love my partner very much but I'm not sure whether I can take his daughter anymore...
Been down this road, it was all for nothing. As soon as she turned 16 she stopped all therapy and left our house and hasn’t been back. I’ve been in her life since she was 13 months old and nothing we did overcame the toxic effects of her mother. We haven’t seen her for three months and it’s been the most stress free time in my life ever.
I cannot stress enough... THERAPY. There are obviously underlying emotions and I'm sure neither you, dad nor mum want her to be upset for any reason.
Separation anxiety this severe will cause her problems all through her life if not addressed so please, on the grounds of helping her and protecting yourself and your husband, get her in with a fantastic child psychologist and figure out the root cause x
It seems like a lot of that separation anxiety has perhaps rubbed off from mum splitting from her long term partner too? Perhaps her mum is over sharing with her and confusing in her like an adult and putting a lot of pressure on her so she perhaps feels some sort of guilt coming to yours? My step-sons BM always plays the guilt card, and one of the boys always worries about her, and he’s only 7.
I think Katie has offered some real sage advice.
Perhaps get your husband to organise a nice Daddy/Daughter day, then you can also have some space to relax? As a step-mum, we take on the very nurturing role, but we can’t do it all.
We hear you, and we see you x
I cant offer any advice but I can say you’re not alone! We have had phases of this, when there were changes in the mums household (a new baby) we seemed to suffer with poor behaviour and always wanting to be back with mum or wanting mummy and daddy to get back together. We have also suffered the lies, which were also heightened by the ex’s reaction without asking for an explanation or the truth. Luckily it did pass so I hope it does for you too ❤️
I applaud you and your husband for going down the court battle, having been there myself, I remember the pain and the expense and added pressure it gave to our marriage, it’s truly a terrible experience.
I know it won’t feel like it now, but I promise, it’s just a phase and it won’t last forever, hang in there…….!!
Once you get over the initial tears, I always found keeping them busy helped, get out, do things, the things that work, keep doing them, make them routine and make them special routines at Dads house.
Always let Dad take the lead and have some one on one, I know being the woman is naturally to get up and do, but Father Daughter bond is unbreakable, let them have that time to talk and confide in each other, it could help. Whilst on the other hand, ensure that the child understands you now come as a pair and you aren’t going anywhere!
Its harder when Mum isn’t onboard, after our court battle my step kids mum had another baby, and that changed for us. She became a constant support and grateful for my input with the children. Please ensure you and your husband wnjoy being newly weds, keep the social life and continue to do the things for yourself, do NOT let the pain consume you. xxx
p.s Always remember you are not alone
I have been here. In fact I am sure my time will come around again. Things are ’calm‘ now but I know it won’t be forever. I did do what you are suggesting. I stopped being around my step daughter for a year and a half. It was really hard but I have other kids and I wasn’t willing to go through the false allegations. So my husband spent a day each week with his daughter outwith our home. It was hard. But safe. We are only now slowly getting back to “normal”, but only because BM wants more childcare and has conceded she can’t get more childcare with Dad only seeing his daughter, she’d need to accept the rest of us. So one day at a time. Like I said, I’m sure we’ll go back and forth with this drama for years to come.