My Husband Always Takes His Kids' Side
It happens in a split second. His son is rude to you at the dinner table, and before you've even finished your sentence, your partner's said "he didn't mean it like that". Or you raise something about the weekend, and somehow you end up being the one who apologises.
If it feels like your partner always takes his kids' side, you're in very good company. It's one of the things stepmums bring to me most, and it's one of the loneliest, because the person you'd normally turn to is the person you're upset with.
Why he does it
Most of the dads I work with aren't doing this on purpose, and they'd be horrified to hear it described as taking sides. What's usually going on is a mix of things.
Guilt. If he's divorced or separated, there's often a quiet guilt about what his children have been through. Defending them feels like making it up to them.
Fear. If he only sees them every other weekend, he may be frightened that any conflict will make them want to come less. So he smooths it over, fast.
Habit. Before you came along, it was him and the kids. Protecting them was his job, and nobody else needed considering.
He doesn't see what you see. He's their dad. He sees a tired eight-year-old. You see the fifth eye-roll of the day aimed at you.
None of that makes it okay. It does mean you're dealing with a frightened dad far more often than a man who doesn't care about you.
What it costs you both
When it keeps happening, you start to feel like a guest in your own home. You stop raising things, because you know how it'll go. Resentment builds, then guilt about the resentment. And the kids, who notice everything, learn that you don't really count. That's not good for them either.
What helps
Pick your moment. Not at the dinner table, and not straight after a row. A calm evening, when the kids aren't there, works much better.
Talk about one specific thing. "You always take their side" will get you a defensive partner. "On Sunday, when Sam called me stupid and you laughed, I felt really alone" gives him something he can actually respond to.
Ask for something small and clear. For example: "If one of the kids is rude to me, I need you to say something in the moment, even just 'we don't speak to each other like that'. We can talk about the rest later."
Separate backing you up from punishing them. A lot of dads resist because they think you want the kids told off. Usually you just want him on your side. Say that.
Agree the house rules together, privately. If the two of you agree what's okay and what isn't, he's backing up a shared decision instead of picking a side.
When he can't hear it from you
Sometimes, however carefully you put it, it lands as criticism of his children. That's exactly why I wrote What She Needs You to Know, a short guide written directly to dads. It explains what stepmums feel in a way he can hear without getting defensive. You can read it together, or just leave it on his side of the bed.
Questions stepmums ask
Is it normal for my husband to take his kids' side?
Very common, especially in the first few years. Guilt and fear of losing his children are usually behind it.
How do I get my partner to back me up?
Ask for one specific thing in a calm moment, such as stepping in when a child is rude to you. Big "you always" conversations rarely work.
Should I discipline my stepchildren if he won't?
Usually not, especially early on. It tends to make you the enemy. Agree the rules together, and let him enforce them.
You might also find this helpful: When his ex is causing problems in your relationship.
Katie x
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