When His Ex Is Causing Problems in Your Relationship
The message lands at 10pm. She's changing the weekend again. Or she's said something to the kids. Or she's sent your partner a long WhatsApp and now he's stressed, you're tense, and somehow the evening's gone.
If his ex is making life hard, you're far from alone. It's one of the things stepmums bring to me most, and it's one of the most draining, because so much of it sits completely outside your control.
Does it feel deliberate?
Sometimes it really does. Plans cancelled at the last minute. A flat no to something simple. It's very hard not to take that personally.
And we're all very good at deciding what someone else's motivation is, especially when we already don't like them. Some of it may be deliberate. Some of it may be a mum who's struggling, or who's frightened of losing her place in her children's lives. You'll rarely know for sure, and trying to work it out can keep you stuck.
A more useful question is: what's mine to deal with here, and what isn't?
What's yours, and what's his
He manages the ex. She's his co-parent, so the communication is his. You can support him, but you shouldn't be the one negotiating handovers or reading every message.
He tells you what affects you. You don't need every detail. You do need to know when your weekend, your plans or your home are affected, before it's been agreed.
You decide how much space she takes up in your head. That's yours, and it's the bit with the most room for change.
Agree the rules as a couple, in advance
Most arguments about the ex are really arguments between the two of you. Who gets consulted, whose plans move, whether you're ever allowed to say no. Have that conversation on a calm evening, not at 10pm when the message comes in.
Useful things to agree:
How much notice is reasonable for a change, and what happens when it's less
Which plans of yours are fixed, whatever happens
What you'll both say to the kids (nothing negative about their mum, from either of you)
How you'll tell each other when you need a break from talking about her
Protect your time and your headspace
Mute the co-parenting group chat if you're in it. You don't need a live feed.
Be careful with online groups that keep you angry. Venting can help for a while, then it starts to keep the wound open.
You don't have to meet her or be friends with her. Polite and civil is plenty.
When it's high conflict
If there are court orders, threats or messages that frighten you, that's beyond a better script. Your partner may need legal advice about the arrangements, and you both deserve proper support. If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
It does change
I hear this from women six, eight, ten years in. The schedule settles. The kids get older and form their own views. She moves on with her life. It takes time, and it does move.
When other people's decisions keep landing on your life, When You Feel Out of Control in Your Own Life helps you map what you can control, what you can influence and what you need to let go of. £45.
Want to work on this with other stepmums? Back in Control is a small online group of 8 women, starting 24 February 2027.
Questions stepmums ask
How do I deal with my husband's ex wife who has no boundaries?
Your partner sets the boundaries with her, and the two of you agree them together first. Your job is protecting your own time and home.
Should my husband show me messages from his ex?
He doesn't need to show you everything. He should tell you anything that affects your plans, before he agrees to it.
Why is my husband's ex jealous of me?
Sometimes she's afraid of being replaced in her children's lives. Understanding that can take some of the sting out, even when her behaviour isn't okay.
Do I have to meet my partner's ex?
No. Many stepmums never do. Civil and polite is enough.
Katie x
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