Feeling Left Out at Family Gatherings as a Stepmum
You're at his mum's for Sunday lunch. Everyone's laughing about a holiday from years ago. The photos on the fridge are of a family you weren't part of. Someone asks how his ex is doing, and you smile, pass the potatoes, and wonder what on earth you're doing there.
Family gatherings can be some of the loneliest moments of stepmum life. Birthdays, school plays, christenings, graduations, Christmas. You're physically in the room and somehow on the outside of it.
Why gatherings are so hard
Gatherings put a family's history on display. The in-jokes, the traditions, the "remember when" stories all come from before you. Grandparents may still be close to his ex, or quietly loyal to her. The kids may be more guarded with you in front of their wider family. And your partner often switches into host mode, or son mode, and forgets to check you're okay.
Then there are the big events where his ex is there too: a school play, a graduation, a wedding. Where do you sit? Do you sit together? Who's in the photo?
You still belong. You're just the newest person in a story that started long before you.
What helps
Talk to your partner before you go. Ten minutes in the car can make all the difference. Who'll be there, what might be awkward, and what you need from him. "Can you check in with me after an hour?" is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.
Agree the plan for big events. For anything where his ex will be there, agree in advance where you'll sit, how long you'll stay, and whether you're in the photos. It saves a lot of on-the-spot hurt.
Give yourself a job. Helping in the kitchen, taking the dog out, playing with the little ones. Having something to do takes the edge off standing on the outside of a conversation.
Find your one person. There's often someone at these things who's also a bit outside it: another in-law, a new partner, a cousin's girlfriend. Find them.
Have an exit plan. Agree a time to leave, or a signal that means "I need to go". Knowing there's an end makes it easier to stay.
Start a tradition of your own. A walk on Boxing Day, a takeaway after a big family do. Something that's yours, so gatherings aren't the only version of family you get.
When it's more than gatherings
If the outsider feeling follows you home, and you feel like a guest in your own house too, that's what my workbook When You Feel Like an Outsider in Your Own Home is for. It helps you work out what's really going on, and what to do about it.
Questions stepmums ask
Why do I feel left out at my partner's family events?
Gatherings put a family's history on display, and as the newest person, you weren't there for most of it. Grandparents may also still be close to his ex.
Should I go to events where his ex will be?
It's your choice. If you go, agree the plan with your partner first: where you'll sit, how long you'll stay and whether you're in photos.
How do I feel less like an outsider?
Talk to your partner before you go, give yourself a job, and have an exit plan. And build traditions of your own.
You might also find this helpful: The insider–outsider experience in stepmotherhood.
Katie x
Comments