Help! Although I felt I was bonding with my eldest SD before teenage years, that all changed at 13 when the hormones kicked in - she clearly has a lot of struggles and things on her mind, including her gender identify (is now none binary), anxiety and self harm.
A few months ago she said she wasn't happy at our house, we made a couple of changes at her suggestion but didn't really get to the bottom of what was wrong. Yesterday out of the blue she told my partner that she couldn't tolerate me and unfortunately I overheard. She doesn't feel comfortable around me and can't be herself. Ive tried so hard with her and her sister but get nothing back. I don't discipline as leave that to their dad and don't even ask them to do anything, I'm friendly and try to show an interest in them, but because we haven't I also feel uncomfortable around them and anxious before and during their visits. They spend most of their time in their rooms so how can I build a relationship with them? She can't tell me what it is she doesn't like about me, what I'm doing wrong or what I can do differently.
We are going on holiday on Friday and I don't know how to be around her, how do I survive a week together in the car and a holiday cottage with someone who doesn't like me, I'm walking in egg shells hooking she doesn't turn around to say she doesn't want to come to our house any more as that would break my partner 😢 I sometimes think it would easier for me to just walk away from the relationship but I love him and don't want any more disruption for my little boy
Thank you for the words of support, days 2 and 3 have gone without a hitch so far, teenager seems happy, (she should be as we are staying where she wanted and doing the things she wanted! Despite her saying she doesn’t have a voice and isn’t heard!) also no melt downs for the younger SD yet who is autistic, so I’m starting to relax a bit! And my son is having fun xx
Thank you, first day of travelling up was fine with no issues. We also went to the theatre on Tuesday evening and SD seemed happy and chatting away to me. I think I’m being used as a scapegoat anytime she is upset about anything and wants to get at me or her dad. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster.
Plan for this week is to try to relax, not get involved in any conflict and not be bothered by SD’s if they are grumpy or bored. Will try try to have fun with my son
Holidays are so difficult as just when you are trying to have a special, relaxing, bonding time the exact opposite can happen. Most of our tragic melt downs have happened on holidays. So much so that we vouched never to do it again. However this year we have just returned unscathed. Well at least I thought so until coming home! Im in similar position to you as 13 year SD has never bonded with me and I have my own 9 year old daughter. Anyway holiday mantra was not to care whether SD wanted to spend most of her time on her phone saying she was bored. Not to care if she moaned there was nothing she liked at 4 star all inclusive. My Distraction was concentrating on my own daughter. The holiday was a success and by this I managed to bite my tongue and look away a lot. When we got back my daughter told me some mean things her SS had done behind our backs and it broke my heart. I couldn't keep that in and told my partner. As always he doesn't see what a mean underhand daughter he has as she is sly. Sometimes she does have a laugh with my daughter but she lacks and real warmth or kindness for any of us. I have to say you need to try and stay confident. It's not your fault. I hope you manage to get through your holiday xxx
Oh my goodness this sounds so tough, Is it tomorrow you’re going away? X